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Application to Date Me

Over the years, I’ve had quite a few bad relationships. Way too many, in my opinion, most of them not even being my fault. I just seem to be destined to date women who treat me like crap. While I may be a sarcastic smartass, I hardly think that makes me deserving of such a miserable (and pretty much nonexistent) lovelife. So to help myself with this problem, I’ve decided to have an application you girls can fill out.

It’s not difficult or lengthy…. it’s simply a way for me to go ahead and weed out the women that just won’t make it long term with me. I’m getting too old to deal with some of the “high-school” problems of girlfriends past.

Ready? Begin…

1. Do you agree to undergo a background check and mental health evaluation, so I can make sure you’re not completely psycho before I date you?

__Yes
__No

2. Do you agree to pay a $100 deposit up front, which will be returned only if you end the relationship with an honest explanation, and not with vague and meaningless phrases like “It’s not you, it’s me” or “I’m going through a rough time right now”?

__Yes
__No

3. I snore when I sleep. Are you going to get all bitchy on me about that?

__Yes
__No
__I don’t know (same as “yes”)

4. I travel… alot. And work… alot. It’s not going to change. Do you have a problem with that?

__Yes
__No
__I don’t know (same as “yes”)

5. If you cheat on me, like 50% of the girls I’ve dated, you will be dumped immediately and forevermore referred to as “that lousy tramp”. Do you think this is fair?

__Yes
__No (same as “I’m a lousy tramp”)

6. Have you ever read a book outside of school?

__Yes, I’m intelligent
__No, I’m dumb

7. Do you realize my definition of “books” does not include picture books, pop-up books, or Cliff’s Notes?

__Yes
__No

8. Are you a bitch?

__Yes
__No

9. No, really. I mean it. Are you a bitch?

__Yes
__No

10. I am not a needy person, I don’t like to date needy people. Do you have a need to call me and talk to me for hours on end every day while I’m on the road?

__Yes, I’m needy
__No, five minutes will do
__No, don’t need it at all!

11. Are you going to include me in your life, and not act like you don’t know me around friends, family, and co-workers?

__I will include you
__I’m a jerk
__I don’t know (same as “I’m a jerk”)

12. Do you want me to include you in my life, and not act like you don’t want to be around my friends, my family, and my co-workers?

__Yes, I like to be included
__I’m a jerk
__I don’t know (same as “I’m a jerk”)

13. The size of my penis is incredibly huge. Is that okay?

__Yes
__No

14. Do you understand that just because I’m quiet doesn’t mean I don’t love you, it just means I don’t talk a lot?

__Yes
__No, I like to jump to ridiculous conclusions

15. I like cookies, especially chocolate chip ones. Do you like baking chocolate chip cookies?

__Yes, I am your dream woman
__No

For those of you who have just taken the test, thank you for cooperating. Leave your answers in a comment and in a few days, you will receive your test results. Correct answers will be marked with a green check mark. Incorrect answers will be marked with the words “What the hell were you thinking??” written in red marker.

If you have any questions, comments, or complaints, please consult our customer service department. They will be happy to give you the finger.

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