Not too long ago, I started reading Garfield Minus Garfield, which is a great parody-style comic in which the writer simply removes Garfield and anything Garfield says from existing Garfield comics strips. Here’s a great example that truly made me laugh out loud!

Imagine you’re a teacher and you are grading this assignment…

What more can I say?

I got this in an email the other day. I thought it was pretty accurate and wanted to share.

The Man Rule

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down We always hear ‘ the rules’ from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! P lease note.. these are all numbered ‘1 ‘ ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Guess what? It’s coming! Quite literally!

http://www.steakandbjday.com/

As you well know February 14th is a woman’s holiday. Guys don’t like all the mushy stuff that Valentine’s Day brings. It’s all about you ladies. So, us guys needed our own celebration that easily spells out what we want/need for our special day. Thus, we have “Steak and Blowjob Day”, which is on March 14th. Ladies, to celebrate our special day, you simply give us what the day calls for… steak and a blowjob.

You can take us out for the steak, or make it yourself, that certainly doesn’t matter… as long as it’s a nice big juicy steak. As for the second half of the day… it’s simply a blowjob. No “cuddling” afterwards, no reciprocating, no foreplay. Just a nice blowjob. Remember, Valentine’s day is all about you… Steak and Blowjob day is all about us!

Help us celebrate! Pass the word on to everyone!

Well 2005 is nearly gone and it’s time to usher in 2006… let’s take a look back at the highlights (and lowlights) of 2005 here on TheBisch.

January

- I totally had a bad travel day.
- I showed you my boobies!
- I had a brush with fame.
- Washington DC cops took a picture of me breaking the law.

February
- I took my first trip to Hawaii.
- I turned another year older.

March

- White Castle just about kills me.
- John Z. Delorean passes away, taking with him any chance of a New DeLorean.
- I get pissed at the Detroit Airport.
- I reminisce about my days in radio, while at Auburn.

April

- I had the strangest dream about flying.
- I fell in love all over again
- TiVo begins to take over my life.

May
- I reminisce about my first kiss with an older woman.
- I made out my will.

June

- I wonder how intelligent people I work with really are.
- I pass along my “Boyz in Da Hood” story from Philly.

July

- Back to Hawaii again!
- UPS drives me crazy!
- I celebrate my one year blogiversary!

August

- I participated in Blogathon 2005, where I blogged every half-hour for 24 hours straight (with no sleep!)
- I issued the Harry Potter Challenge.
- I lei’d friend and fellow blogger, Kelly.
- I had a garage sale! Boy what a busy month!

September

- The new Auburn football season started.
- We remembered 9/11.
- I met the Plane Nazi.

October
- I visited New Orleans post-Katrina.
- The company gave me a promotion, which meant the end of the road for me.
- TheBisch goes through another redesign (the design you see today!)

November
- EarthLink holds me hostage for 16 days due to their incompetence.
- I announce the first major push of my internet business, Bischslap.com
- I discover new ways to save time.

December
- I signed up for the 2006 Dead Pool.
- My Secret Santa was good to me!
- I submit the annual free iPod report.
- Merry Christmas!

Well, there we have it folks… my highlights (and lowlights) for 2005…. let’s hope 2006 is just as entertaining.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ONE AND ALL!

If you have never seen The Man Show on Comedy Central, you’re in for a treat. A friend of mine just sent me this video clip, which I thought was hilarious!

Amazing what kids can get away with… if I tried any of these, I’d get slapped for sure.

So, how about it ladies? Can I grease up your boobs?

Download the Video Here
beach.wmv [1 mb (2:01) 320x240]

Wanna have some fun this CHRISTMAS?

Send the ACLU a CHRISTMAS CARD! There’s still time!

As they are working so very hard to get rid of the CHRISTMAS part of this holiday, we should all send them a nice, CHRISTIAN, card to brighten up their dark, sad, little world.

Here’s the Address, just don’t be rude or crude.
(It’s Not the Christian Way ya know?)

ACLU Ministries
125 Broad Street
18th Floor
New York, NY 10004

Two tons of Christmas cards would freeze their operations because they wouldn’t know if any were regular mail containing contributions..

So spend 37 cents and tell the ACLU to leave Christmas alone.

Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically different than up North. For those who are planning a football trip South, here are some helpful hints.

**Women’s Accessories**

NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that’s what dates are for.****

**Stadium Size**

NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

**Fathers**

NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

**Campus Decor**

NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.

**Homecoming Queen**

NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.

**Heroes**

NORTH: Rudy Guliani
SOUTH: Archie & Peyton Manning

**Getting Tickets**

NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and put name on waiting list for tickets.

**Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game**

NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they’re going to the game because they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don’t want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class.

**Parking**

NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.

**Game Day:**

NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting “Game Day Live” to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why “Game Day Live” is never broadcast from their campus.

**Tailgating**

NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by “Dave Matthews’ Band,” who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.

**Getting to the Stadium**

NORTH: You ask “Where’s the stadium?” When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you’re near it, you’ll hear it. On game day it becomes the state’s third largest city.

**Concessions**

NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team’s mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.

**When National Anthem is Played**

NORTH! : Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.

**The Smell in the Air After the First Score**

NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.

**Commentary (Male)**

NORTH: “Nice play.”
SOUTH: “Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs.”

**Commentary (Female)**

NORTH: “My, this certainly is a violent sport.”
SOUTH: “Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs.”

**Announcers***

NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.

**After the Game**

NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week’s game.